Girl Meets Senseless
by carathay
Summary: A boy named Sam joins their class for only a few minutes and then kills himself that evening. Although they only knew him for a few moments (or even less...), his loss impacts all of their lives in different ways. A look at how 'senseless' suicide can be and how difficult it is to come to terms with that loss.
1. Chapter 1

Girl Meets Senseless

Authors Note - I'm not 100% sure where this is eventually going but it isn't fluffy bunny town. Other stories will generally be happier. Trigger Warning – Suicide.

Mr. Matthews was just completing a lesson comparing the student's lives to pepper. Apparently they were making him sneeze today and so he'd gone off on a stranger rant than usual. Lucas was off at a dentist appointment. Maya was drawing in her notebook having long since given up even trying to understand this one. Riley was trying to be polite to her dad and listening but even she was barely holding on.

Farkle spoke up. "I'm confused. So, does that mean I get to grind everyone up when I take over the world?"

Mr. Matthews looked at him strangely. "No, Farkle, it does not. Have you even been listening to me today?"

Farkle seemed a little crestfallen. "I've been trying sir, but…."

Riley chimed in. "This hasn't been your best lecture, Dad."

Mr. Matthews sat down at his desk. "Sorry guys. I tried. Sometimes you do your best and it just isn't enough. Maybe that's a better lesson then this pepper thing. I've been a little bit distracted. We were supposed to get a new student today but he hasn't arrived yet."

"Fresh blood…." Hummed Farkle.

"An opportunity to make a new friend!" chimed in Riley.

"I know I had an orange colored pencil in here somewhere…" Maya muttered under her breath while she dug deeper into her bag. Mr. Matthews opened a drawer in his desk, rummaged around, and pulled out the same type of pencil she was looking for. He put it on Maya's desk and she grabbed it without even looking up. He smiled gently at her.

Mr. Matthews looked over at Maya, then back to the rest of the class. "I'd be upset but I don't think I'd have paid attention to my lecture today either."

He was interrupted by a knock at the door. An office aide brought in a shorter boy with jet black hair. "Sorry about the delay Mr. Matthews. It took longer than we thought to get everything settled."

"That's OK. There isn't much time left but at least he'll get a chance to see everyone. Class? I'd like you to meet Sam Spires. He just transferred in from West Chester."

There was the typical new kid half-hearted 'Hello' from the class. The only person who really sounded welcoming was Riley. Maya didn't even look up.

Mr. Matthews continued. "Anyway, Sam. Are you up to telling us a little bit about yourself? Or maybe your previous school?" Sam just shook his head and found an empty seat at the back of the class. "Well, if you change your mind, just let me know, OK?" Mr. Matthews finished. He went on to detail the homework for that evening and shortly after that, the bell rang. When it did, Riley popped right out of her seat and started toward Sam. Her father moved quickly to intercept her.

"What's wrong, dad?" Riley asked.

"Give Sam a couple of days before he gets your standard big welcome, OK? I'm not sure if he'd be up to it today."

"But Dad… I don't want to be rude. I want him to feel welcome!"

"I know. Just… not today."

"What do you know that I don't know?" Riley asked.

"A lot, actually. That's why I'm your teacher." He replied. "Look, just trust me and give him some space."

"All right." Riley finally agreed. She pulled Maya up out of her drawing and the two of them headed off to their next class.

When they got to class the next day, the new student wasn't there. Neither was Mr. Matthews. The bell had rung fifteen minutes ago and neither one had shown up.

Maya sat singing to herself and drumming on her desk. When another minute dragged by, she looked over to Riley. "Where the heck is your dad? He wasn't sick this morning or something, was he?"

Riley thought about it. "He seemed fine. Mom did make oatmeal though, so…"

Farkle obviously wasn't handling the lack of a teacher well. "I saw him in the hall a few minutes before class too. Then the principal grabbed his elbow and, poof, he was gone."

"Like magic?" asked Riley. "Was my Daddy spirited away?"

"Sorry Riley. It was an expression. They just left together really fast. Hey, three more minutes and I can take over the class. Mr. Matthews said last year that if he was ever more than twenty minutes late, I got to take over!" Farkle glanced down, realizing he'd said a little too much. "Sorry. I meant that he just wanted me to go over school stuff until he arrived." Farkle's eyes narrowed. "Eventually."

Lucas joined into the discussion. "Why don't they just send us a substitute or something?"

Maya replied. "They tried that a couple of times. It never worked out well. Between dealing with Farkle and me, most subs explode after about fifteen minutes. I'm kind of sad they stopped trying. If I drove one more nuts, the mental hospital was going to send me a set of steak knives."

Lucas looked shocked. "You are kidding, right?"

Maya waggled her eyebrows at him suggestively.

Riley interrupted. "She's kidding. Well, mostly kidding. Several subs have quit but none of them have ended up in a hospital or anything. Well, that we know of…. But that was before you got here to help calm her down."

"20 minutes!" shouted Farkle. He jumped out of his desk and had almost made it to the front of the room when Mr. Matthews finally entered. For a moment, it looked like Farkle was going to complain about losing his chance to rule, but the look on Mr. Matthews's face caught him up short. Without a word, he returned to his desk.

Maya hadn't really looked up from her drumming yet so all she noticed was Farkle heading back. "Denied! Today is not your day."

"Maya, please." Mr. Matthews managed to say.

"Oh come on Mr. Matthews! Farkle would kill himself if he missed one of these opportunities."

"Maya!" Mr. Matthews said more forcefully then he ever had before. She stopped her drumming and turned up to see his face. His eyes were a bit red. So were his cheeks."

Her eyes widened. "What's going on?

Riley had caught the panicked note in his voice as well. "Dad?"

Mr. Matthews shook his head gently at Riley and then he cleared his throat. Then he took a deep breath. He tried to talk and he couldn't. He took another deep breath. "Class. I have some very bad news. There isn't any good way to tell you this. Sam Spires passed away last night." And that was as much as he was able to say.

Maya couldn't help herself. "What?"

Lucas spoke up too. "I'm very sorry to hear that. Mr. Matthews. But I'm not sure who you're talking about, sir."

Mr. Matthews seemed unable to speak for the moment so Lucas and Maya looked over at Riley figuring maybe she would know who Sam was. Riley just sat there in shock.

"Sam joined our class yesterday. It was after you left for your dentist appointment. Mr. Matthews introduced him right before the bell rang."

"Farkle? You're crazy. I'd remember if a new kid had…" Maya trailed off as first Farkle's and then Mr. Matthews's expressions didn't change. "I guess I wasn't paying attention." she said apologetically.

Lucas looked up at Mr. Matthews. "Mr. Matthews? Is Farkle right?" Mr. Matthews nodded.

Riley couldn't contain herself. "What do you mean he passed away? He was just here yesterday."

Mr. Matthews spoke. "I know. Everyone? School will be letting out early today. Buses are on their way. The counselors are available if anyone of you need someone to talk to about this loss. I expect there will be a memorial service announced soon and any of you who would like to attend may do so."

"But what happened?" Maya pressed.

"The school district would prefer it if I don't give you any details." He said.

"Well, the news probably already knows so we'll find out when we get home. Why not tell us now?" Maya said, pulling out her phone. She began tapping at the screen quickly."

"Maya, please put away your phone."

She ignored him and kept tapping. Mr. Matthews reached over to take her phone out of her hands but it was too late. She looked up at Mr. Matthews in disbelief. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have… They're wrong, aren't they? He didn't…"

"He did." He took a deep breath. Then he looked at the concern written across the faces of his students and knew how may terrible things there were that could have finished Maya's sentence.

"I'm not supposed to tell you and I may even get in trouble for this, but Maya's correct. You will end up hearing about it and it's better that you hear the truth. We don't know all the details but we do know this. Last night, Sam took his own life."


	2. Chapter 2

Girl Meets Senseless

Authors note: To anyone upset by Maya's comments regarding mental health, etc., be aware that there always has to be –someone- in the story who says the wrong thing to get the conversation started. The writers of GMW use Maya, and the other characters, a lot for that, a great example being her attitude in the STEM episode we all probably just saw. And I'm continuing their tradition. Reviews are very welcome; if you create an account and post a non-guest review, I'll usually even reply.

Author's second note. The emotions behind this story are based off of a friend that I lost to suicide and/or a terrible accident several years ago. Ultimately we will never know what exactly happened. His death makes no sense whatsoever and this is dedicated to him.

Maya continued to stare in disbelief at Mr. Matthews. That kid couldn't be dead. She hadn't even seen him. Then her own words came back to haunt her.

"Farkle, I'm so sorry about saying the kill yourself thing. I… I wasn't thinking. Which probably doesn't surprise anyone in this room. But I feel guilty and it was a stupid joke and I'm sorry."

Farkle leaned over and squeezed her on the shoulder. "I know. We all say things we don't mean."

Mr. Matthews spoke. "Farkle is right. We know you didn't mean anything Maya. We do need to think about what we're saying but certain phrases like 'this is driving me nuts' and 'I will kill myself if I don't get that new phone' have crept into our language. Even with the heightened awareness that mental illness and depression get today, those habits take a long time to change. Maya, it's OK to be sad about Sam. But you don't need to feel guilty about what happened. I wish we'd gotten a better chance to know him. I wish he'd given us a chance. I barely got to speak to him but I feel the same guilt that you do, Maya. He was my student. And whether you're my student for 5 minutes to 10 years, I will always feel responsible for you." Mr. Matthews had to take a minute to breathe before he could continue. "If any of you EVER have any thoughts along these lines, please tell me or an adult in your life. And if you can't manage to tell us, tell a friend and let them tell us. Call a hotline if it's easier to talk to a stranger. But, please, speak." After another moment of silence, Mr. Matthews went on. "Like I said, there are counselors available if any of you want to talk privately. Go home and talk to your parents or a loved one. This is going to impact each of you differently. Some of you not very much, some of you a lot. But if you want to talk with me – well, the milkshakes at Topanga's are on me tonight."

The remainder of the abbreviated school day went by in a wave of numbness. A number of students came over that afternoon to talk to Mr. Matthews over at Topanga's. Surprisingly, neither Riley, Lucas, Farkle, nor Maya had made an appearance.

Katy collected up the last few empty milkshake glasses sitting on the tables. Katy looked over at Cory. "Could you maybe warn me next time before offering free milkshakes to your entire class?"

"Sorry. I… Well, I knew a lot of them needed to talk and I figured a bit of a bribe was the best way to get them started. You must be exhausted."

"No." said Katy. "I didn't mind the work. Every kid that left here with a more peaceful look on his face was worth every bit of effort. I just wish I'd had a chance to stock up on ice cream. The last few kids got some weird flavor combos as I used up what was left. Not that it really mattered; I'm not sure that any of the kids really tasted them."

Lucas walked in and looked around. When he saw that it was just him and the adults, he turned to leave. Mr. Matthews spoke. "Come on over and sit down Lucas."

Lucas hesitantly sat and Katy came over to take his order. "I'm just about out of ice cream for shakes. I have one scoop of strawberry passion fruit and one of mint chocolate chip. I'm not sure how they'll taste together but I'll give them a whirl if you like."

"That's OK ma'am. I'm not really hungry." He said.

"All right. Let me know if you want anything." Katy said and then left them alone.

"I wasn't sure if I'd see you here, Lucas. You didn't actually get to meet Sam. How are you feeling?" Mr. Matthews said.

"Guilty, sir." Lucas said.

"You don't have to bother with the 'sir' Lucas. Why do you feel guilty?" Mr. Matthews asked.

"I… I feel like I could have done something. Like I could have helped." Lucas said quietly.

"I understand part of how you feel Lucas. It's sometimes called survivor's guilt. You can feel bad because someone else is gone instead of you. But Lucas, you weren't there. You didn't even see him. I think you can try to let this one go."

"But you don't understand. I did see him. And I didn't do anything."

"What are you talking about? You were at the dentist."

"I know. When I went to check out from school to leave, I saw Sam sitting in the office. He looked pretty upset. I didn't know who he was yet; I didn't know he would be in our class. In fact, I only found out it was him a little while ago when they showed his face on the news and I remembered seeing him. But I did see him. And instead of offering to help, I just signed out and headed off to the dentist. I didn't even think about sitting down next to him and saying hello. Or offering to talk. Or… anything. Mr. Matthews, I saw another person in pain and I didn't do a thing. Normally nothing would keep me from taking that time to help but yesterday, I just left. I guess just assumed there was someone else in the office who would help him but that's not how I was raised. I should have taken the time to try to help. It's my fault he killed himself."

"There is more going on here then I am allowed to tell you. So I'm going to have to ask you to take a few things on faith from me. Can you do that?" Lucas nodded hesitantly and Mr. Matthews went on. "Good. Lucas? It is not your fault that Sam did this thing. He would not have talked to you no matter how much you had tried. I don't think he would have talked to anyone. And while I'm glad that you feel a responsibility to your fellow man, you were correct that there were other people there trying to help him. People with training in helping in these situations. You weren't wrong about that so you don't have to blame yourself. I was going to be part of trying to help Sam. I was even going to introduce him to all of you when he was ready. But I'm sorry Lucas. This isn't your fault and it isn't my fault. Sam didn't give us a chance to help."

"Do you believe all of that? Really believe it?" Lucas asked.

"I do. I desperately wish there had been something I could have done. Part of me will always feel guilty for not somehow coming up with an idea. We entered Sam's life briefly at the end of a very long journey."

Riley stepped inside the door. She'd obviously been listening to most of the conversation. She walked up and gave first her father and then Lucas hugs. Then she sat down next to them. She took a deep breath and then looked her father in the eyes.

"My feelings are kind of the opposite of Lucas's." Riley started. "He didn't do anything, and that's what you told me to do. Nothing. Except I didn't listen. You asked me to spare him the big fancy Riley welcome."

"And?" Lucas asked.

With a look of hopelessness in her eyes, Riley finished. "After class, Maya had to use the restroom and I spotted Sam in the hall. And I thought you were wrong to have me leave him alone. It was unthinkable. So, I welcomed him. I danced. I bounced. I said hello in 10 different languages. I took his hand and shook it even though he didn't want me to. And when I finished, he ran." Riley looked at her father. "Did I make him do it? Is it my fault?" Tears slowly trickled down her face but she didn't look away. "Daddy?"

Mr. Matthews stood up and took his daughter in his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Girl Meets Senseless

Authors note: Reviews are very welcome; if you create an account and post a non-guest review, I'll usually even reply. This is deep. And dark. This has been a tough story. Maya's role in all of this has changed four times.

Author's second note. The emotions behind this story are based off of a friend that I lost to suicide and/or a terrible accident several years ago. Ultimately we will never know what exactly happened. His death makes no sense whatsoever and this is dedicated to him.

Riley looked up into her father's face again. He hadn't answered her question and so she asked him again. "I didn't listen to you when you said to leave him alone. Is this my fault? Did I push him too…" she broke off unable to say anymore.

Mr. Matthews sighed. "While part of me wishes you had listened to me, I still can definitely say that, no, this was NOT your fault. The choices Sam made weren't influenced by what you did. At least not negatively. Honestly, your idea might have been better than mine. Maybe if I had pushed him harder to say hello to you all it would have gotten his attention. Maybe it would have made him think about everything just a little bit longer before he made such a terrible choice. Maybe he would have accepted the fact that he had more options in life. Honey, I don't know. We can't go back and change anything that happened. I did what I thought was the right thing. So did you. So did the school administration. So did his parents. We all thought we knew what we were dealing with. And we were all wrong."

"Was he being bullied? Or was he depressed?" Riley asked.

"That's what they thought it was. This wasn't the first time he had tried to do this and everyone hoped that moving him to a new environment would help bring him peace. And while I can't say any more about what exactly happened, I can say that they were wrong. There wasn't a bully, and as best we can tell now, any depression he suffered from wasn't the cause of his death." He gave Riley another hug and then released her. "Lucas? Could you take Riley home for me? Make sure she gets there safe?" Lucas nodded and Mr. Matthews turned back to Riley. "And can you watch Auggie for a while? I think I need to talk to someone now and, well, your mom has always been the best one for that sort of thing. Well, her or Feeney, but I think this time I need your Mom."

Riley wiped away her tears and walked over to Lucas. He put his arm around her comfortingly and the two of them turned to go. Riley stopped them at the door for a minute and turned back. "Dad? Just so you know, no matter how upset I was, I'd never…. I wouldn't…."

"I know honey. But it's still nice to hear." Mr. Matthews said. Then Riley and Lucas walked out the door. A few minutes later Katy came out from the back.

"Do you mind if I close up? I'm beat." Katy asked.

"No problem. Go ahead and go. Topanga's on her way and we'll finish up here." Cory replied.

After Katy left, Cory put a few more things away and then began to pace. The emotions on his face slowly changed from despair to anger. He picked up an empty milkshake glass and hefted it. Then he put his arm back to throw.

Topanga's voice interrupted him. "Please don't." she said calmly. "Those things are kind of expensive."

Cory turned to look at her. "Sorry." He said, setting the milkshake glass back down.

Topanga walked over and put her arms around him. "You're about at your limit, aren't you?" she asked.

Cory hugged her back. "I am. I did what I needed to do. I helped the kids to understand what happened as best they could. I sat here and drank milkshakes until I was about to burst. I helped Lucas understand that he shouldn't feel guilty for not reaching out to a stranger. I helped our own daughter accept that talking to Sam wasn't the reason he died. And now I need to feel the way that I feel."

"And that is?" Topanga asked.

"Angry. Absolutely furious. So mad I don't even know how to stand still right now."

"Cory, I know that anger is a normal part of the grieving process but this seems like more than that. What aren't you telling me?"

"I'm not supposed to…" Cory began.

Topanga interrupted him quickly. "I know. And that works for the kids. Not for me. Call it spousal privilege, call it attorney – client privilege, call it whatever you need to. But you need to talk to someone if you're going to be any good for those kids. I just heard that there's going to be a memorial service tomorrow. You're going to have to make it through that."

"But… what happened is just so… stupid. Pointless… senseless…"

"What happened?" Topanga pushed.

"It wasn't what everyone expects in these situation. No depression or anything like that. He had everyone from parents to counselors convinced that was why he was so withdrawn. But that wasn't it at all. First of all, he didn't mean to die."

"So it was a cry for help that got out of control? "Topanga asked.

"Not exactly. It was closer to being an accident."

"Then why are they calling it a suicide?"

"Because he caused his own death. He hung himself. He just didn't mean for it to work. The rope was supposed to break and release him. But it didn't. His parents found some journals he'd been keeping. Records, really. He'd apparently been doing this for months."

"Doing what?"

"Trying to figure out death."

"Why?" Topanga demanded. "Why on earth would he do that?"

"I don't know. No one really does. But it's what he was doing. Their best guess is that he didn't truly understand it and he was fascinated by the idea of coming close to it."

Topanga thought a minute. "Like an adrenaline junkie? Like an extreme skier who skis down avalanches?"

"No. Even that would make sense. Stupid sense, but sense. This… This makes none. Doctors saw him. Counselors talked to him. Teachers tried to work with him. But nobody reached him because no one could even imagine this is what he was doing. Nobody thought he was a danger to himself because he'd kept it such a secret. They thought that if we were just patient he would finally tell us what was wrong. I even thought that being in my class would let him find a way out of whatever he was going through. I was wrong. We were all wrong. We failed him."

"You did your best. Everyone did their best. It just wasn't enough." said Topanga.

"But..." Cory started to say.

"And tomorrow, you are going to go back to school and you are going to do your best for those kids again. And I'll do the best for my clients. And Riley will do the best for her friends. That's all any of us can do. You know that. And maybe all of us will, together, do just a little bit better next time." Cory couldn't look at her. "It isn't a lot, but it's all we have."

Finally Cory nodded.

Topanga took his hand. "Let's go home. And spend the next few hours hugging those kids of ours. Then you need some rest. I think tomorrow's going to be a tougher day than today." They shut off the lights and headed out the back door.

Maya was standing on the corner holding a crumpled drawing in her hands. It was the one that she'd been working on the orange colored pencil when Sam had been introduced. She didn't' remember him coming in; she only knew it. She reached the front door of the bakery just as the lights shut off. She peered inside but didn't see anyone. Something had been bothering her all afternoon and she wasn't sure what it was. Mr. Matthews could usually help but she'd been a little afraid to face him and her mother at the same time. She hadn't headed over to the bakery until her mom had texted and said she was on her way home. Maya peered inside again. Nobody home. She looked back down at the drawing again, subconsciously smoothing it out with her fingers. Then she put it carefully in her book bag and headed off down the street.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Many thanks to Alexanna, a wonderful girl who helps me to shape my stories and turns 13 today. Happy, happy, happy birthday!

Maya walked down the street alone. It was getting dark but she really didn't care. The drawing she'd finished the day that Sam had joined her class was like a lead weight in her bag. Her art meant a lot to her. Apparently so much that she hadn't even seen Sam enter the room. She couldn't believe how self-absorbed she'd been. Why hadn't she just looked up? She wouldn't feel so guilty if she'd at least seen him. She didn't even understand why she felt this way. He was dead. And that was a terrible shame. But she didn't know him at all. It shouldn't be affecting her so much. It should be like when you hear about someone killing themselves on the news. Sort of a feeling of sadness and 'why didn't someone do something'. But for reasons she didn't even understand, she just hurt for him.

She'd sat with her friends and listened to them before they went to see Mr. Matthews. Riley had told her she'd tried to talk to Sam but he'd run. She felt guilty because she might have pushed Sam over the edge. Maya didn't think that was likely. Riley's welcomes were legendary and spectacular. But Maya couldn't imagine that much joy pushing someone over the edge. It seemed unlikely that anyone would let that much happiness push them to such despair. And even if it had contributed to, well, what happened… Riley's intentions had been the best and that always counted for something.

Lucas's situation was different. He was upset because he'd seen Sam in the office and hadn't done anything to cheer him up. His guilt was misplaced but at least it made sense. He had an opportunity to do something and hadn't. Now, it really wasn't his responsibility to walk up to an upset student in the office and try to take care of them. In fact, the secretary probably would have chased him off if he'd tried. But Lucas considered taking care of people just as important as Riley did. It was noble. It was one of the things she loved about him. Loved…. That was such a scary word to use when anyone was involved. Especially when it was a boy. But it fit so she'd had to accept it.

Maya had heard that there was going to be a memorial at school tomorrow for Sam. People would probably bring flowers and candles. That sort of thing. It always seemed kind of sappy to her. I mean, the person was gone. They weren't there to see all that stuff. And no one in the school had known him so it seemed even sillier. That said, she'd decided that she was going to bring her drawing and put it with all of the offerings. Well, offering wasn't the right word but it was all that that she could think of to describe those memorials. She loved what she'd managed to achieve in that picture and would have preferred to keep it for her portfolio. But, given that she'd finished it while Sam was standing there silent in the classroom, unseen by her, she would always associate it with him. Her love of it would somehow be tainted by the reminder that she hadn't even looked up. It was probably better to leave it at the memorial tomorrow and let it go. Maybe next time she wouldn't let herself get quite so absorbed in her work. It didn't do to ignore the world that you were trying to immortalize in your art.

Actually, it probably wouldn't have made her portfolio anyway. She'd also been considered giving it to this new boy who had moved into her building. She'd talked to him a few times but hadn't managed to get his name. He was quiet. Now he wasn't cute or anything. Usually he had been drawing when she'd run into him and barely looked up at her presence. His work was so different from hers. He seemed to work only with black; mainly charcoal. And the images were dark. Gates to the underworld and hulking, powerful figures. But he was so passionate about it that the subject matter wasn't important. Maya thought it would be interesting to have a friend who understood how she felt about art. Maybe this unknown boy could be that person. She figured that giving him a picture might start a longer conversation. She also figured he could use some more friends and she had the best in the world. She'd have been happy to share them with him.

She'd hadn't mentioned him to her friends because Farkle would tease her, Riley would pout for a little while because Maya was interested in having more friends, and Lucas would get jealous. He would pretend he wasn't, but he'd still would be. In a way, she liked the attention. She loved her friends. She loved how they supported her; especially how they helped when the school district had tried to cut funding for the arts. And even now, she wasn't sure how to deal with the way that art was important to Lucas because it was important to her. That was a strange level of commitment. It gave her butterflies in her stomach that no amount of 'Hurrr hurrr' could dispel. But art still wasn't important to Lucas the way it was to another artist.

Oh well. She supposed that if the new boy stuck around, she could make something else for him. Or maybe at least manage to pin him down enough to say 'hello'. She'd tried to find him last night since the picture was finally finished but he'd been nowhere to be found. And then there had been police in her building again and an ambulance… Another one of her old neighbors had probably croaked again. Her rent controlled apartment building had a lot of really old people living there. She liked trying to cheer them up when she found them outside their rooms. Which wasn't very often for some of them. Poor things. Too bad someone didn't put a memorial together for them. Maybe when she found out who it was she could do that.

Maya finally turned her steps toward home. She had some homework to finish and due to Topanga's rules about her mom not working so much overtime, Maya actually had help with her homework some nights. Not that it was always good help; her mom hadn't been that much of a student. But it was a nice reminder that she wasn't alone in the world and she'd started to treasure that time with her mom.

The next morning Maya met Riley for their traditional breakfast and trip to school. Mr. Matthews looked better than he had yesterday and Maya was again reminded that she had arrived too late to talk to him yesterday. She knew he didn't have time this morning but she hoped that he could listen to her after school. She didn't know why she needed to talk about things but she had finally accepted the fact that she needed it.

Riley had a sign she'd made to take in. It said 'We may not have known you but we still loved you." It was a nice phrase and it was also covered in glitter and pipe cleaners. She helped Riley manhandle it through the subway and the few extra blocks to school. Things had been crowded and they hadn't lost too many pipe cleaners by the time they got there. But Maya's pants were coated in glitter. Oh well. She'd seen Lucas checking her out in her actual glitter jeans once or twice. Maybe she could catch him this time and call him 'Butt scout'. It wasn't her best nickname but it should make him blush. That boy blushing also gave her butterflies.

She was so obsessed with those thoughts that she almost walked right past the memorial in the hallway. Riley pulled her to a stop and, as soon as she saw it, she froze.

"Maya? Could you hand me the sign? I want to put it right over here." Riley asked. Maya still didn't move. She just stood there in shock. "Maya? The sign please?" Riley asked again. Riley looked at her friend. She'd never seen her this way before. Maya, who could usually roll with every punch in the book was somehow stopped by the display. "What is it?" She asked Maya. Still nothing. Riley turned to look at the display. There wasn't anything she hadn't expected. A picture of Sam. Teddy bears. A few candles; electric ones since there were inside the school. Riley couldn't see any special reason for Maya to be upset. She looked back to Maya. Her eyes had become cloudy and tears were welling in the corners of her eyes. There was also recognition in those eyes. And anger. And betrayal. She reached inside her school bag and pulled out a picture that she'd obviously drawn. Riley saw a hint of orange on it but that was all.

Her dad was coming down the hallway about the same time and stopped next to Riley. "Is Maya OK?" he asked Riley quietly. Riley looked at Maya again. The anger was still there but now tears coursed down her face.

Lucas walked up about the same time with Farkle. "What's going on?" he asked.

Riley shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. We just got here a few minutes ago and…"

Riley never got to finish that sentence. She was interrupted by a ripping sound. Maya had reduced her picture to first two pieces, then four, then eight. One by one she was flipping each piece at the picture.

"You stupid…" And then Maya used a number of words that Riley had only heard on the subway. And didn't have a clue what they meant. After a moment the harsh words had evolved into screaming. Lucas and Mr. Matthews grabbed onto Maya and pulled her over and into their classroom.

"Maya!" said Mr. Matthews. "What on earth is wrong with you?"

Riley chimed in. "Why did you tear up your picture?"

"Yeah." Said Lucas. "I understand being upset but you didn't even know Sam."

Maya used the back of her hand to wipe the tears away. "Didn't know him? Of course I knew him. He lives…." She took a deep breath and then corrected himself. "He lived in my building. I was trying to get to know him and that that picture was supposed to be for him. How dare he…" and Maya's language again degenerated into the inappropriate.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: Many thanks to Alexanna, a wonderful girl who helps me to shape my stories. I love sharing this experience with her. Listening to Lily Kinkade's Wishing Well while I'm writing this. Amazing song.

Maya had finally stopped swearing. She was sitting cross legged on Mr. Matthews's desk just staring into space. Lucas was holding her hand. Riley was awkwardly leaning across the desk so she could wrap herself around her friend. Farkle had fainted in the corner over the language Maya had used. And Mr. Matthews was trying to put all of the pieces together and failing.

"Maya… At the risk of provoking another outburst, can you try to explain to all of us what's going on? Without all of the colorful language?"

"His family moved into my building a little while ago. I saw him in the lobby and the common areas a few times. He was drawing huge, dark, impressive things. He was passionate about it. I wanted to talk to him. Maybe share some of that passion. I was going to give him the picture I was working on that afternoon. I didn't know that the mystery boy was Sam until I saw his picture. And, well, I guess I kind of lost it."

Riley looked at her friend. "Kind of?"

"Okay, fine. I completely lost it. I'm sorry."

"It's all right." Said Riley. "We'll help you find it again." She was hoping to make Maya smile.

Suddenly, Lucas looked hurt and pulled away. "So you were interested in him? Is that why you're so upset?"

Maya rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, boys are stupid." She said to no one in particular. Then she looked back at Lucas. "No. I wasn't interested in him. It wasn't like that. Not at all. Just… Well, look. I don't mean to offend any of you, but none of you really get my art." Lucas and Riley both tried to interrupt but Maya just kept talking. "You don't. And that's okay. You risked the wrath of the school board for me. You love me and support me every day. And you tell me every day how important my art is to you because it is important to me. That – that means the world to me. But it isn't the same as you having your own art. Your own expression. Riley, you kind of get it with your cheerleader obsession and, well, I'm kind of hoping to see that type of feeling in Lucas when baseball season comes back around." She tried a lopsided grin. "You're going to have to get me a hat because I kind of plan on being your biggest fan." Lucas still looked doubtful so Maya looked over at Mr. Matthews. "Sometimes words fail me. Do you mind if I…" She gestured toward Lucas. Mr. Matthews reluctantly nodded his okay. So she reached out, grabbed Lucas's ears, pulled his face to hers, and kissed him. Then she let go of his face and pulled his arms around her. "Just hold me, okay? And tell your jealous side to go do some of those words I said."

"Sorry about that." Lucas muttered into her shoulder. Then hugged her tighter.

"Sometimes I kind of like the jealous bit. It means you care. But right now I need you to tone it down."

Maya turned to look at Mr. Matthews. "Oh. About what I said out there…. And in here… Look, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said…all those words…" she trailed off, not wanting to repeat the awful words she'd used. "I understand if I have detention forever."

Mr. Matthews took a deep breath. "Relax Maya. You're not in trouble. You're hurting. You're grieving. You're angry. I'm not going to punish you for that because I completely understand. I almost went the same route myself last night. In fact, I was so angry last night that I almost found out how far I could throw a milkshake glass."

Maya didn't believe him. "No you didn't. You wouldn't do that. You're always in control."

"In control? Maya, I'm about as out of control as I can get. I have lost a student. It doesn't matter that he was only in my class for a few minutes. I feel as strongly about losing him as I would about losing any of you. I can't believe he is gone and what happened, well, I can't even believe it. I want another chance to help him. I want him to meet all of you and realize that… that he didn't have to make the choices that he made. I wish he'd seen the potential that life held instead of death. I want to scream at the world but it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

"But you sat in the bakery yesterday and listened to everyone. You helped them calm down. You helped them feel better." said Riley. "You helped me feel better. How could you do that and still be angry?"

"I did help you guys. And I was happy to do it. One way we can all feel when these things happen is helpless. But we can't change the past. We can help each other. We can be there. We can listen. And Maya, it's okay to be mad. I wish you'd come see me yesterday but I suppose even if you had, today still would have been a shock. But please understand that anger is a part of the grieving process. It's normal. And while you don't want to let it get too far out of control, you also can't just bottle it up. It'll find a way to get out on its own and you might not like the result."

Lucas squeezed Maya a bit harder. "Mr. Matthews is right. I know a little bit about anger…"

Riley interrupted him. "A little bit?"

Lucas grimaced. "OK, I know a lot about anger. And what happens when you hold it inside. It's like a poison. But you don't have to let it take over. You two helped me to learn that." He said, indicating the girls. "That's why it's so great to have friends."

Riley wrapped her arms around both of her friends and then let go. "That's what we're here for." Then she stood up and walked over to her dad. Wrapping her arms around him in the biggest hug she could, she said to him. "Dad? We're here for you too. You listened to us yesterday. What can we do for you?"

"You're my daughter. And my kids. You don't have to do anything for…" Mr. Matthews started to tear up. He obviously wanted to hold back his grief in front of his students. In front of his daughter. But a first few shudders started to sneak through. Riley looked over at Maya in alarm. She'd wanted to help her dad but she wasn't prepared for this. Really, no child is prepared to see their parents cry for the first time. But for Maya, this wasn't the first time she'd seen a parent cry. She'd seen her mother cry at night when she thought Maya was asleep. Seen her choke back tears as she tried to find a way to make crappy wages cover all the bills that they had. She'd seen impotence and rage. So she gently pushed Lucas away, stood up, and went to join Riley hugging Mr. Matthews.

"Go ahead. Let go. It's time." Maya said to Mr. Matthews.

"I can't. It's not my place. I shouldn't…."

"Mr. Matthews? You've been there for me more times than I can count. You've been there for all of us. It's not fair if you don't let us help you back." There was a unique combination of tenderness and command in her voice. "So shut up and cry."

At first slowly, and then faster, Mr. Matthews started to sob.

Lucas looked at the girls. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Maya glanced toward the corner. "You can make sure Farkle is okay. And find another box of tissues. I think we're going to be here for a while."


End file.
